From Crash Out to Christ: Lessons from My Toxic Past

Let me tell y'all something. I used to be a whole crash-out—a self-proclaimed "crash dummy" in relationships. Sure, I look calm, and I like to think I’m funny, but back then, I was on a downward spiral that often blindsided the people in my life. I’d hit a point where I’d just flip, and who they thought I was would suddenly vanish.

Now, if you're reading this and you ever dated me, you know exactly what I mean. I was a real-life mess. But if God could save me from that, trust me, He can save you too.

Let’s backtrack a bit. I didn’t start that way. In middle school, I was just another kid. But by high school, I was inching toward disaster. People saw me as "the cool girl," but I was hiding a lot of pain—self-esteem issues, deep-seated insecurity, and a sense that I wasn’t good enough to date certain people or belong in certain circles. Those issues set the stage for a series of toxic relationships that would define my young adult life.

The Crash Dummy Phase

High school I was in a relationship with a guy on the basketball team, well he played somebody's basketball, and it was all kinds of toxic. I did everything a dad wouldn't approve of. (Sorry, Dad, if you’re reading this.) I let him drive my car, which he crashed, and we were constantly fighting, like, throwing hands fighting. I was even clocking out of work and driving across state lines to fight a girl, true story. I was caught up y'all. I was angry, I had experienced betrayal, and I was downright insecure. My life felt out of control, so I fell into a few toxic relationships, masking my pain with weed, liquor, and more bad choices. At some point in my senior year, I was skipping homeroom to smoke before school and would leave school early to drink.

By the time I graduated, I was numb. I swung between two extremes: either I didn’t care at all, using people and feeling nothing, or I cared way too much, becoming obsessive and reckless. I was lost, and God bless those who saw something in me beyond my dysfunction. Yall are a true gem.

Five Toxic Habits That Kept Me Stuck

Looking back, here are five things that kept me locked into that cycle of toxic relationships:

1. Playing the Victim, Hoping for a Savior I always blamed others and never took accountability. I put all my pain onto the person I was with, expecting them to carry it for me. I’d mask my brokenness with an "I'm strong" or " I overcame" facade, but I was anything but. Matter of fact I now see I was trying to convince myself I had overcome all of the things when the truth was because I kept bringing it up only showed that I was not healed.

   
   

2. Unrealistic Expectations I would often set expectations as a way to protect myself. Not realizing this was a form of control, thinking that if I controlled everything, I wouldn’t get hurt. Spoiler alert: I got hurt. My expectations put walls up, preventing real love and connection. It was really giving conditional love, because how could someone show me who they were if I was so busy telling them how to be.

   
   

3. Unhealed Wounds I once heard the saying " When you're healed you hear differently" When you're unhealed, everything feels like an attack. I took everything personally and saw harmless actions as threats. This "survival mode" made me selfish, as I was always in self-protection mode, putting my hurt above everything else. Which is what we tend to do when we are in "survival mode". Survival mode is constantly being in lack, looking over your shoulder, hyper-focused. It's not a great way to live and doesn't leave room for others.

   
   

4. Emotional Illiteracy I couldn’t manage my emotions and had no idea how to communicate them. I’d bottle everything up until I exploded, unleashing word vomit on anyone who was even remotely close to me. And just like an explosion I couldn’t control it or myself. As I progressed I would just feel the need to say the first thing I felt and needed to get it off my chest immediately which also wasn’t healthy. Eventually, I realized I needed to learn how to process my feelings without lashing out.

   
   

5. Struggling with My Feminine Identity I was very opinionated, controlling, and defensive, never allowing myself to rest in my femininity. I didn’t realize there’s a power in submission. I don't want to say that women should shut up, because that's not what I am saying, but there is a certain power in women in being silent. Making sure that I am choosing peace over aggression. I finally understood that the opposite of control is often where real strength lies. I was so busy trying to fight back that I didn't realize that I was causing my hurt instead of preventing it. These are the bible references that continue to help me rest in my femininity.

   • 1 Timothy 2:8-15 

   • Book of Ruth 

   • Book of Ester 

   • Abigal and Nabla (1 Samuel 25:2-3, 8-35)

   • Ephesians 5 

   • Proverbs 31

   
   
   
   

Five Ways I Found Healing

Now, I’ve learned to approach life—and love—differently. Here’s what helped me get there:

1. Don’t Make Permanent Decisions Based on Temporary Feelings Instead of acting impulsively, I’ve learned to take a seat. I’ll go for a walk, play basketball, or find some way to release my feelings in a healthy way. My husband will tell you I will get up and go to the gym or go for a walk in a minute. Now, I think before I speak and reflect before I react, is this always easy, of course not. Honestly, I still work on it and I have slip-ups every now and again but I usually can get it together pretty quickly.

   
   

2. Give Yourself Time to Process When I feel triggered, I recognize that it’s a sign of something deeper, something that I am unhealed from usually. Instead of rushing to act, I sit with the feeling and ask myself why it’s bothering me. It’s not easy, but it’s essential for growth. And if I can be honest, usually this part will sometimes even makes me cry because it's usually feelings I've tried to run from, so let me warn you this one is not easy but don't run.

   
   

3. Watch Your Words Words have power. I’ve started using “I” statements to communicate my feelings without accusing others. It’s about focusing on how something made me feel rather than placing blame. For example Instead of saying, “You were really rude the other day; that wasn’t cool,” I would reframe it as “I felt hurt by how you spoke to me the other day. It really hurt my feelings.” It usually takes me a couple of days to shift my thoughts into "I" statements, but this approach keeps the focus on my feelings rather than accusing, blaming, or condemning the other person. It gives them a chance to reflect on my feelings without feeling attacked, and it allows me to observe their response and decide if they’re someone who respects my emotions. This is what some might call the process of “vetting.”

   
   
   
   

   There are so many verses about guarding your words. I take them to heart now, knowing that words can heal or harm, build up or tear down. Here are some verses that I turn to when I need a reminder:

   
   

   • Matthew 12:37  For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

   • Matthew 12:36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak

   • Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

   • Proverbs 21:23 Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.

   • Proverbs 18:13 If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

   • Matthew 15:18 But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.

   • Proverbs 29:20 Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

   • Proverbs 15:4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

   • Luke 6:45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks

   •  Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

   •  Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

   • Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.

   • Proverbs 10:19 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent. (Dont talk so much) 

   • Proverbs 25:11 A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

   • Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

   •  Proverbs 13:3 Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

   •  Proverbs 18:7 A fool's mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.

   
   
   
   

Also, I understand that as black people from the hood, we see showing feelings as a sign of weakness. I know me personally I felt that if I showed my feelings I would taken advantage of and yeah that could happen, but if you understand how to properly communicate and understand your feelings then that won't happen. Actually its more of a weakness to not connect and communicate your emotions because now I can use your lack of understanding to control you through your anger.

God saved me from the "crash-out" version of myself. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you. There’s peace and purpose on the other side of our pain, and I’m here to tell you it’s worth every step.